MP3 
Well, anyway, um
Oh, this is an interesting thing
I, uh, gave my cat a bath the other day
You know I'd always heard you weren't supposed to give cats baths
But my cat came home and he was really dirty
And I decided to give him a bath and it was great
If you have a cat, don't worry about it, they love it
He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me
You know, and, uh, the fur would stick to my tongue
But other than that, you know, it was a great
Can I have some more club soda please?
That's all it is, is club soda
I'm not into the drug scene or the booze scene or the dope scene
I'm not into that
And I think people who are should be taken out and maimed
You know a lot of people come to me and they say
"Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?"
Well, there's a secret to it, there's no big deal
I'll be honest with you
Uh, before I come out, I put a slice of Bologna in each one of my shoes
So when I'm on stage, I feel funny
People come to me, they say
"Steve Martin, is there some way I could be funny too?"
Well, here's a couple of jokes I like to pass on to the crowd
And these are jokes you can play on your friends
If you enjoy the good practical joke
This is, uh, these are good ones
Um, next time you go out with your friends
Before you go, you secretly put an atom bomb in your nose
And when you get there, you pretend
Like you're going to sneeze, you know
You give it the old "uh, uh"
You set off the bomb
It's funny
There's another bit I like to do at parties
Uh, next time you're invited to an elegant dinner party
You arrive late so everyone's there
You walk in and throw all the food on the floor
I did this at the last party I went to
And it was about, uh, six years ago
How many people ski? Oh, perfect
Um, here's a joke you can do on a ski
Lift if you like, uh, that kind of thing
You know how people engrave their names on their skis
So when they get stolen, uh, they know who they got 'em from
And call you up and thank you
"Ted Robinson, thank you very much"
So, next time you get on a ski lift with a stranger
You look over and you get his name
And you wait 'til you get about halfway up
And you suddenly turn to him and pretend
Like you've known him all your life
And you call him by his name and they
Just can't figure out who you are
You know, it's just so much fun
I did this last winter to a guy and he thought I was nuts, really
Uh, his name was Rental
